decisions

I never intended this blog to turn into a chronicle of how my advanced maternal age affects my pregnancy. For that matter, I never really intended this blog to turn into any sort of periodic update on how this sweet little human is growing inside of me.

But this is all I've got right now.

We decided not to have amniocentesis. And it feels like there is so much more in that decision than is implied in those six words. They are heavy and they are strong and they don't come easily. I am under no illusions that our decision would be the right one for anyone else. Ever.

After thinking and talking and soul searching, we realized that we wouldn't terminate this pregnancy if we discovered that this baby has down's syndrome. I feel so shallow for even wrestling with the decision, but I did. I put such a premium on cognitive interaction. I love to debate and to think and to explore. What if I'm not strong enough? What if I fail this child just because of some chromosomal subtraction? How superficial is that?

In the end it just came down to the fact that we love this baby and every single second is a gift.

No matter what.

And when we decided that, the risks, however slight, were just too much.